Cameron’s speech - a translation for trade unionists

UNISONActive apologies for the delay in posting this, but simultaneous translation from Tory to trade union English is fraught with the same difficulties as translating from Klingon.

The interpreter has to deal not with individual words but with rephrasing entire concepts, due to the acute differences in the philosophical paradigms and epistemology. This translation is therefore not “word for word” but a rephrase into terms of reference that tell us what the speaker was really saying.

A LEADER SPEAKS .....

“Well we are the people, aren’t we?

We are in charge, and I’m in charge of being in charge.

Not that Corporal Clegg - we showed him in that referendum, didn’t we? He won’t try that AV stuff with us again. We understand about politics.

Another thing we understand is the colonies. Things don’t change there. Fling a few trinkets, flatter them a bit, even kick a bit of arse occasionally. But that’s what keeps British oil flowing and profits rising. That’s serving British interests.

Must mention those chappies in uniform- squaddies and bobbies sort of thing. Salutes all round chaps and the P45s are on the way.

Let’s remember we are the Land of Hope and Glory and Rule Britannia, stiff upper lips and all that. Bicycling buffoons and chaps drinking 20 pints of lager... WE ARE THE ENGLISH ARISTOCRACY AND WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGEHER. If the family are in Debretts.

And we will make it all right for some of the others.

If you want to make your own bit of profit from public money, then hey, open your own school, or privatise a bit of the NHS. It's there for the taking.

We are all for public spending. As long as it’s spent on keeping our people happy. Wouldn’t have it any other way. Inner city Britain in constituencies like Kensington and Chelsea are thriving under the Tories.
When it comes to irresponsible use of tax payers money, we are the can-do party.

Now the krauts and the frogs have got problems and I’ve got one thing to say. Keep em to yourselves boys, there’s an English channel between us and you and we will keep it that way.

And on the subject of our own economy, there is one thing I’m going to say and I’m going to keep saying it.
IT WAS ALL LABOUR’S FAULT.

George has shown me his Ladybird book of economic policy as passed to him by our blessed mother Thatcher and it’s not even in big words or paragraphs, but there are two simple lessons.

1. It is always the other guys fault.

2. Cut as much as possible and say that it is still the other guy’s fault.

And when it comes to the banks we will do exactly what they tell us.

I’m always prepared to shed a few crocodile tears when it comes to the NHS - but people demand more than that. And I give you my solemn pledge today.

. Our NHS will guarantee a lot more profit for a lot more people than Labour’s ever did,
Oh yes it will.

Now some people in the public sector have been saving for a long time to ensure that they will have a little bit of money for their retirement. Putting money into pensions schemes so that they don’t have to rely on the state in their old age....

We in the Tory party are quite clear about what you should be doing. You should be relying on the state, if there is anything left of it after I retire.

Meantime George needs money from you not for your pensions but for the arms manufacturers – there are always wars to fight, missiles to pay for. That’s real public spending - getting a few bangs for your bucks.
In our upwardly modern technologically deliverable economy we won’t make things by insulting people. What a cheek that Miliband lad had to suggest that banks and finance companies were scamming us – as if.

Not when there are real villains we can be pursuing.

Real hoodlums and ruffians.

And you know who I’m talking about so I’ll say it loud and clear.

Workers have had their day. Others want to clear red tape.

Well hear it here first. Contracts of employment are a thing of the past and the sooner this government can reintroduce serfdom the better.

And I’ll start by ensuring that every supermarket has a ready supply of young people to work for free. Why send them to school when there are Waitrose shelves need stacking?

Schools aren’t for the likes of those.

We will only pay for proper schools with proper uniforms and proper Latin and grammar.
Education a privilege not a right.

Our welfare system is seen as one that provides something for nothing. Too much money is being spent on those with disabilities and the unemployed. The resources are clearly in the wrong place. I personally know of entrepreneurs who could do with that money. Can-do people, who can do well for themselves from unregulated public procurement. That’s the Tory way forward.

I say Britain needs volunteers, the unsung heroes that just get on with things and don’t ask for anything in return, like wages.

I will be proud of the day when I can say, look how I have increased the number of volunteers in society.

When I can look at church halls filled with homeless families and think how our religious community have found a volunteering role.

When I can see St John’s Ambulance running first aid clinics for those who can’t afford to go to Casualty.

And when we will see small children clearing the streets of litter and dog waste, and will laugh at the idea that anyone ever got paid for it.

That is government freeing people. The Tory way.”