Monopolies Commission backs UNISON’s Tory takeover

In a move likely to send shock waves through the political world, UNISON’s hostile bid to buy out the Tory party has been backed today by the monopolies commission.

Previous moves by unions to take over political parties have had limited success but City insiders say UNISON is now likely to make radical changes to the Tory business’s core product and wholesale redundancies are planned, probably around 6 May this year.

“UNISON has used new procurement rules, ironically backed by the Tories themselves, to move in on the party. Under a new European directive, the Tories have to privatise themselves and accept the lowest bidder”, said City analyst Avril Poisson.

“Banks and big companies, who already owned the major stake in the business, could not match UNISON’s bid because of their huge overheads. They have been hamstrung in the bid process by the £billions they have had to put into fair and reasonable personal bonuses after the budget”, added Avril.

Shares in UNISON shot to a new high with another 1,500 new contributers in Scotland alone this year.

A Monopolies Commission spokesperson said, “There are at least two other main competitors in the business of providing political services – and many more in Scotland – so we do not consider that consumers will be disadvantaged”.